Observations of Life

Specifically today, I'm going to be talking about observations I've made in my life recently, observations that have started an alarming shift in both my entire cognitive process, and by extension, my personality, work ethic, and goals.

 Anybody who knows me is probably painstakingly aware that for the majority of my life, I have lived with depressed and anxiety problems that have affected me to a much greater extent than I have seen these problems affect others.  On top of that, I've always been against medicating myself for these issues, for I feel that chemically altering my mood would create an ingenuine representation of my personality, thoughts, and opinions.  I have relied upon natural supplements at times to curb the worst of the problems, but all in all, I've just sat around feeling depressed.

I don't recommend doing this, by the way.


My sophomore year of high school, I started seriously considering the rudementary existentialist questions:  What is the point of life?  How should I live it?  What's so great about life anyway?  Etc.  I had, of course, considered these questions before, but never before in such a serious manner.  In previous years my answer was something more of "I don't need a reason, so I'm just going to have fun," but that answer became less and less satisfying as I matured, until my dissatisfaction with life peaked my senior year.

Upon entering my first year at LCC, I felt as though I had failed myself. Lansing Community College is pretty much a haven for dead-beats and dropouts who have been forced to reconsider their lackidaisical lifestyles due to the looming economic crysis, and considering how much effort and stress I placed on my academics all through middle and high school, LCC was about the last place I wanted to end up.  Ever.

And let me tell you, when you suffer from depression, dissappointment is a killer.

However, by an odd twist of circumstance, LCC lead me to my passion for philosophy, which in itself brought me some peace of mind -- for my life-plan was the center of my concern my senior year -- and by another odd twist of circumstance, I met a man named Josh Routhier who helped me realize that I'd been approaching my problems from entirely the wrong angle.  For anyone who doesn't know, Josh is a Zen Buddhist, and though I didn't consider our first few confrontations the pleasantest, I slowly grew to esteem and respect his wisdom and compassion as much as my narcissistic tendencies would allow.

Through our various dialogs, Josh introduced me to a process of self-examination I honestly believe is essential for the healthy functioning of any creature with self-reflexive awareness.  Through meditation and self-study, I've begun identifying and hopefully correcting many of the misconceptions that had lead me astray through my life in the first place.  Of course, the answers to the existential questions that had been burning into my consciousness have continued to elude me; but while exploring these new questions of consciousness, I think I've come a little closer to answering them.  Of course, the answers aren't even close to my original expectations;  however, I think that the answers I'm coming to are much more fulfilling than those I was originally seeking anyway.

Within the past month, I've become increasingly engaged in self-studying and both passive and active meditation, and I've come to a couple rudimentary conclusions:

• First, life (in a philosophical definition -- not a biologists') and consciousness are one in the same.  Life is defined by the existence of consciousness, on whatever level it might exist;  lack of life is the lack of consciousness.
• Consciousness is the combination of an innate awareness, which is ever present, and an active decisiveness, which fades in and out of awareness.

Of course, these conclusions are, as I said, rudimentary, and I'll probably add and subtract from them later;  however, for now, I think that's a good explanation.  I will probably continue to build upon these ideas in the future, but for now, I need to finish some homework.