Imagine a 200,000 pound press. In case you don't know what that is, imagine a giant robot that can exert 200,000 pounds of force with little difficulty. Now imagine that robot bringing down a brushed steel hammer two feet in diameter down on your heart.
That's pretty close to how I'm feeling right about now.
Why?
Because I realized today exactly how much shit I have to get done within the year, and I don't think I can make it.
On top of that, one of my greatest dreams was shattered when I found out I got a B+ in choir, and because of that, I don't think it will even be possible for me to get into Princeton, Stanford, or MIT. I'm afraid for my life because everything I thought I wanted to do I don't want to do any more. Everything I thought I could count on, I can't count on any more. I'm scared to death of my future, and I don't want to go on with it.
I never thought that I would be afraid, because I've never feared the unknown. Everyone is always talking about how they're so afraid of "leaving behind everything they've ever known," but that never bothered me. I love learning new concepts, I love figuring out the unknown, but what I never realized was that there's something you leave behind nobody ever mentions.
And that's what I love.
My friends, my family, my teachers, my classmates, my home. I love them. I don't hold some ridiculous fear for some imaginary power that will crush me in the future; I just don't want to let go of what I love, because that's all here, in Leslie, Michigan, my least favourite place in the world.
Everything is here.
But everything is changing. Everything has to change. Suddenly, I'm feeling myself change. My drive, what I once held as my indomitable will, is slipping away like sand as I try to hold onto it while chasing after my love.
My views, my perspectives on life: they're all going askew. I can hardly define them any more.
I don't even think I want to be an engineer any more. I want to be an actor or an author or a musician.
But that's never going to happen.
I want to pursue my dreams, but I'll never reach them, because I'm not good enough. I'm good, but I'm not good enough.
That's how it always is in the world. And I hate it
I hate it. I hate what's happening to me. I hate the world we live in. I hate this town. I hate this time. I hate this road I walk down.
Because I'm lost: I don't know where I'm going.
And I'm confused: I don't know who I am.
And I'm alone: I don't know who will be there tomorrow.
And I'm afraid.
So afraid.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Kind of Goals
New Years Day is coming, a day of partying and resolutions that are forgotten within the first few weeks of the year. I've never liked New Years Resolutions for that exact reason. Nobody keeps their promises beyond the first few weeks because it's near impossible to remember something that long.
This is why I've decided to make some pre-New Years Goals: Goals to be completed before New Years Day arrives, or at least that's the plan.
I have this theory about goals. Goals are incredibly hard to achieve by nature, because once a person establishes a goal, reaching that goal becomes a chore, and except for those few exceptionally motivated people in the world, no one wants to complete something they have to do. So this is why, instead of goals, I'm establishing some Kind of Goals for myself. With Kind of Goals, a person doesn't have to complete them, they just have to work toward completing them, and they will have succeeded in their Kind of Goals.
This Years Kind of Goals (to be completed before December 31st, 11:59 p.m.):
Oh, and as for my personal life, I met this girl. Her name is Kayla Martin. Well, I guess I already knew her, but I think something good might just come from it. I'll keep you posted.
This is why I've decided to make some pre-New Years Goals: Goals to be completed before New Years Day arrives, or at least that's the plan.
I have this theory about goals. Goals are incredibly hard to achieve by nature, because once a person establishes a goal, reaching that goal becomes a chore, and except for those few exceptionally motivated people in the world, no one wants to complete something they have to do. So this is why, instead of goals, I'm establishing some Kind of Goals for myself. With Kind of Goals, a person doesn't have to complete them, they just have to work toward completing them, and they will have succeeded in their Kind of Goals.
This Years Kind of Goals (to be completed before December 31st, 11:59 p.m.):
- Get everything that I need to do done by my dentist appointment (sometime Dec 28). That means a lot of writing in the next couple days.
- Cut my showers down to 15 minutes each. At least.
- Exercise every day. Every day.
- Drink at least 47 oz. of water a day. Water is good.
- Update my blog at least one more time before the end of the year.
- Start taking my medications regularly. The doctor prescribed them for a reason.
- Establish an actual sleeping schedule. This is, of course, to be completed after the first goal I stated, because I'm going to be doing a lot of work.
- As soon as I wake up, get out of bed. I don't care if I have to throw myself off the side of my bed (onto another bed on the floor, of course. I don't want to kill myself), I want to be out.
- Decide whether to move my computer to my room or not.
- Clean my room.
- Clean my bathroom.
- Clean my stuff around the kitchen.
- Write that list of 500 things about myself.
- Shorten my "in between" times. And by that I mean the times in between activities; for example, when I'm playing a game and I say, "Hey! I should do some homework!" I actually do my homework, instead of putting it off for three and a quarter hours, and hating myself the entire time.
- Make at least five people smile a day.
- Never lie to anyone again ever.
Oh, and as for my personal life, I met this girl. Her name is Kayla Martin. Well, I guess I already knew her, but I think something good might just come from it. I'll keep you posted.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
One of Those Days
Have you ever had one of those days... where at the end you just feel like the world could just end right there and you would be perfectly fine with it because everything is perfect? Everything in life is working out and everything is turning out perfect. Love is there in every friend and every family member. That girl you've been flirting with gave that smile that told you I... I think I love you, and you sent one right back. You didn't have any homework, and you didn't feel like staying up just because you're afraid of what might happen when you fall asleep. You feel safe, content, and happy. You casually toss around the idea of killing yourself right then and there because it's so perfect and today would be the perfect day to die, but you would never do that because you never want today to end. Ever have one of those days?
Today was not one of those days. I went to sleep last night at 5:30 p.m. hoping to be rested and happy today, but after a restless night where I spent brief periods in a daze some might classify as sleep between hours of lying, staring blankly at my ceiling, I woke up at 9:20 a.m. to my ex-girlfriend (bless her soul) calling me telling me I needed to get to school because I was an hour and five minutes late to my choir exam and if I miss it I'll fail the entire class because somehow, despite how sickly restless my sleep was, I still managed to sleep through my alarm for a full half hour.
So I run into school. I didn't shower. I didn't use my acne medicine. I didn't eat. I didn't brush my teeth. I grabbed pants, t-shirt, keys, wallet, shoes, and ran out the door. I get to school, Sco is mad but doesn't show it, I completely bomb my exam because I'm still rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.
I walk into calculus to do the same work we've been doing for the past two weeks, and I don't have my backpack or book or paper or pencils, so I can't do anything else.
I get the second biggest headache I've had in my life (the worst was yesterday), and I can't work on the cemetery drawing I'm getting paid for because of it.
I get home to find out I have two A-'s in different classes I wasn't even worried about.
I haven't had an appetite in two days. I didn't eat for over 36 hours, and I didn't notice. I can't sleep any more. I almost had a panic attack driving to Chelsea today.
I'm starting to fear for my health and sanity. I don't think I'm going to be able to hold up my different acts for much longer.
My plans for the future have been shattered and I'm more confused than I ever have been about my life and what I want to do and what I'm going to be.
Yesterday, for the eighth time in a row within six months, I found out the girl I had fallen for has a boyfriend.
Have you ever had one of those days... where at the end you look back and wonder why you even go through it any more? Where you wonder if the constant misery you live in is even worth the people you stay alive for? You look in the mirror at the end of the day like you do every day and ask yourself, "Where did that smile go? I haven't seen it in so long." And then you realize you haven't actually been happy in three years and you don't want to keep living if you don't find something, anything, that would make you a little happier, but no matter how hard you look, no matter how much you wish, no matter how you hope, every single opportunity is smashed back in your face so hard your nose and mouth and eyes are bleeding and you can't see, you can't speak, so you just lie back down in the hole you've dug inside your soul that's the only place you feel safe because you're away from everybody and everything and no one can hurt you there until you feel like you have just enough strength to pull yourself out again, but immediately upon exiting, some sick God slams his foot back into your face and stomps on your hands as you try to pull yourself up, putting you through the same torture yet again. And you have no idea why you keep pulling yourself up because you know that every time you open your eyes, someone's going to be there, and they're going to hurt you more than ever before, and it's never worth it. Nothing is ever worth it.
Ever have one of those days?
Today was one of those days.
And so was yesterday.
And the day before yesterday.
And so was three days ago.
And so was four days ago.
And so was five days ago.
And so was six days ago.
And so was a week ago.
And so was two weeks ago.
And so was three weeks ago.
And so was four weeks ago.
And so was a month ago.
And every month before that.
And I don't know what I'm going to do if tomorrow is another one of those days.
Today was not one of those days. I went to sleep last night at 5:30 p.m. hoping to be rested and happy today, but after a restless night where I spent brief periods in a daze some might classify as sleep between hours of lying, staring blankly at my ceiling, I woke up at 9:20 a.m. to my ex-girlfriend (bless her soul) calling me telling me I needed to get to school because I was an hour and five minutes late to my choir exam and if I miss it I'll fail the entire class because somehow, despite how sickly restless my sleep was, I still managed to sleep through my alarm for a full half hour.
So I run into school. I didn't shower. I didn't use my acne medicine. I didn't eat. I didn't brush my teeth. I grabbed pants, t-shirt, keys, wallet, shoes, and ran out the door. I get to school, Sco is mad but doesn't show it, I completely bomb my exam because I'm still rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.
I walk into calculus to do the same work we've been doing for the past two weeks, and I don't have my backpack or book or paper or pencils, so I can't do anything else.
I get the second biggest headache I've had in my life (the worst was yesterday), and I can't work on the cemetery drawing I'm getting paid for because of it.
I get home to find out I have two A-'s in different classes I wasn't even worried about.
I haven't had an appetite in two days. I didn't eat for over 36 hours, and I didn't notice. I can't sleep any more. I almost had a panic attack driving to Chelsea today.
I'm starting to fear for my health and sanity. I don't think I'm going to be able to hold up my different acts for much longer.
My plans for the future have been shattered and I'm more confused than I ever have been about my life and what I want to do and what I'm going to be.
Yesterday, for the eighth time in a row within six months, I found out the girl I had fallen for has a boyfriend.
Have you ever had one of those days... where at the end you look back and wonder why you even go through it any more? Where you wonder if the constant misery you live in is even worth the people you stay alive for? You look in the mirror at the end of the day like you do every day and ask yourself, "Where did that smile go? I haven't seen it in so long." And then you realize you haven't actually been happy in three years and you don't want to keep living if you don't find something, anything, that would make you a little happier, but no matter how hard you look, no matter how much you wish, no matter how you hope, every single opportunity is smashed back in your face so hard your nose and mouth and eyes are bleeding and you can't see, you can't speak, so you just lie back down in the hole you've dug inside your soul that's the only place you feel safe because you're away from everybody and everything and no one can hurt you there until you feel like you have just enough strength to pull yourself out again, but immediately upon exiting, some sick God slams his foot back into your face and stomps on your hands as you try to pull yourself up, putting you through the same torture yet again. And you have no idea why you keep pulling yourself up because you know that every time you open your eyes, someone's going to be there, and they're going to hurt you more than ever before, and it's never worth it. Nothing is ever worth it.
Ever have one of those days?
Today was one of those days.
And so was yesterday.
And the day before yesterday.
And so was three days ago.
And so was four days ago.
And so was five days ago.
And so was six days ago.
And so was a week ago.
And so was two weeks ago.
And so was three weeks ago.
And so was four weeks ago.
And so was a month ago.
And every month before that.
And I don't know what I'm going to do if tomorrow is another one of those days.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
I Am Man
So I wrote this paper for AP English.... And I have to say, it's pretty fuckin' awesome.
I Am Man.
I am man. I eat meat. Meaty meat meat. The more meaty the food, the better; In fact, I have been known on occasion to proclaim my wife's cooking meattastic if it is so deserving. I drink protein shakes and work out on a daily basis. Cardio comes every day I have time and weight training alternates between days. I belch when I want to, and I break wind on the same schedule. I do what I like and don't give a rat's hindquarters who's offended by it.
I am man. I make the rules of my house so all will obey. Well, except for me, because after a long, hard day's work, I am tired and do not wish to remove my shoes before stepping onto the rug. I have that right, because I am man. I am the owner of my household, and I rule it with an iron fist – at least until my wife comes home. And when she does, I command her to make me my supper, which she does, because I am man, and because I took out the trash this morning and vacuumed the house like she asked me to.
I am man. I spend my Saturdays with my fellow men in our respective man-lairs participating in manly activities. Like knitting!... Um, I mean like watching sports and playing poker. In my man-lair I keep a chest full of my tools, a fridge full of my beers, and a box full of back scratchers for my hairy back, because real men don't shave backs, fucking metrosexual freaks. Women aren't allowed unless they bring gifts of food and leave immediately after a hearty thank you, which consists of big hug and kiss on the cheek. What? Every man must know how to please his woman.
I am man. Man, as a species, has conquered this earth and enslaved nearly every animal on it for our bidding. I, as an individual man, have conquered the television set and the Sunday through Saturday night prime-time lineup. I could recite you the NFL history for the past twenty years or recount to you the past 600 episodes of any of the various versions of CSI in agonizing detail. I don't see how could you expect me to remember my anniversary with all that knowledge in there. No, it's not that it's not important, of course it's important. I love my wife. She makes me sandwiches and they're delicious. It's just that – well, it's impossible to comprehend the complexities of the male human mind; I can't explain, I apologize, but that is the nature of man. And if you can't understand that, then I'm sorry, but I don't think you can understand what being a man is all about. But anyway.
I am man. And a man I will be till the end of my life. This I am proud to say. And nothing, no object, nor group, nor force of nature, nor god is greater than man! Except woman.
That's it for today. It's already 4:21. I just finished writing 15 pages of notes/papers (not exaggerating) and I have about two more to go until I can hit the sack. Or just go to school. Actually, I'll probably just go for that one.
That's it for today. It's already 4:21. I just finished writing 15 pages of notes/papers (not exaggerating) and I have about two more to go until I can hit the sack. Or just go to school. Actually, I'll probably just go for that one.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Misunderstanding
Alright, so... it's about 11:50, I have over two hours of homework left, plus reading, and I'm procrastinating and writing the first blog I've written in over a month.
This week is show week. I've only finished one college application (so far, I plan on doing more later tonight). I'm single. I'm starting to question more and more what I want to do with my life.
I'm in a bit of turmoil.
I have no clue what's happening around me. Shit keeps flying around me everywhere, and I have no idea what's happening because I'm euphoric on lack of sleep. There have been about 200 lost loves, 400 new loves, 6,000 broken bones, 800 lost sheep, and I couldn't give a more insignificant fuck, because I have my own problems.
But people don't seem to understand that, so they drag me into their pathetic quarrels and turn me into the center of their misguided rages, and I don't react because their accusations have no basis, so they turn around and hurl even more insults and paranoia at me. Well fuck you, I'm still stuck here wondering why I can't stop seeing the fireworks going off around my head.
I'm sick of the drama and I'm sick of how that's all that matters to people recently. If you're going to start shit, leave me out of it, please. That's all I ask. And if I supposedly "did something" that (hell, I don't even know why you get angry at shit) "disrespected you" or whatthefuckever, grow up and get over it, because even if I did do what you say I did -- and I guarantee that I didn't -- it doesn't matter a tenth as much as you're making it out to.
This isn't just to one person, this is to everyone who's making drama.
Enough anger though.
On a more personal note, I think I've finally gotten over my whole "seeking a new girl" thing. That's been really bothering me lately.
If you haven't noticed, I've been sort of... out of it lately, and it's because I've been spending a lot of time looking for a girl. Not just any girl, a perfect girl. A perfect girl to smile and laugh with at our stupid friends who just cracked some sarcastic joke about some reference they made that nobody but us would undersand. A perfect girl to yawn in a movie theatre next to 'cause the movie sucks ass, but I can't help but love every moment of it because I'm sitting next to the greatest girl in not only the whole theatre, but quite possibly the entire world. A perfect girl to fight with about some stupid word I said a month ago and even though I totally know I'm right, as soon as she gives me that look immediately concede because she's been right all along. A perfect girl to wrap in my arms on the coldest nights when we're alone sitting in front of her fireplace talking about the probability of spontaneous combustion in marshmallows or whatever random thoughts came into our heads because it wouldn't matter what we were saying as long as we could hear each others voices on the other side of our touch.
Yeah, you know the one.
But I think I'm getting out of that, and by that I don't mean I'm looking less but rather, that I'm getting less absorbed in my search. I'm trying out another rule to add to my "Rules to Live by," and that is "4. Never let any one thing consume all of your attention," no matter what that thing is, good or bad.
I've also started meditating nightly (well, it's not formal "mediating" because I'm thinking about stuff, it it's close enough), which I hope will help me sort some things out that are going on in my life.
I've started doing one more thing too... but, I think I'll write a separate blog for some some time. It's really changed my life (if you read my twitter, you'd remember when I said that) -- not in a religious way or anything, just general improvement, you know.
*Sigh* But I suppose I should get back to my homework again.
Love and Peace, all.
-Lee Rumler
This week is show week. I've only finished one college application (so far, I plan on doing more later tonight). I'm single. I'm starting to question more and more what I want to do with my life.
I'm in a bit of turmoil.
I have no clue what's happening around me. Shit keeps flying around me everywhere, and I have no idea what's happening because I'm euphoric on lack of sleep. There have been about 200 lost loves, 400 new loves, 6,000 broken bones, 800 lost sheep, and I couldn't give a more insignificant fuck, because I have my own problems.
But people don't seem to understand that, so they drag me into their pathetic quarrels and turn me into the center of their misguided rages, and I don't react because their accusations have no basis, so they turn around and hurl even more insults and paranoia at me. Well fuck you, I'm still stuck here wondering why I can't stop seeing the fireworks going off around my head.
I'm sick of the drama and I'm sick of how that's all that matters to people recently. If you're going to start shit, leave me out of it, please. That's all I ask. And if I supposedly "did something" that (hell, I don't even know why you get angry at shit) "disrespected you" or whatthefuckever, grow up and get over it, because even if I did do what you say I did -- and I guarantee that I didn't -- it doesn't matter a tenth as much as you're making it out to.
This isn't just to one person, this is to everyone who's making drama.
Enough anger though.
On a more personal note, I think I've finally gotten over my whole "seeking a new girl" thing. That's been really bothering me lately.
If you haven't noticed, I've been sort of... out of it lately, and it's because I've been spending a lot of time looking for a girl. Not just any girl, a perfect girl. A perfect girl to smile and laugh with at our stupid friends who just cracked some sarcastic joke about some reference they made that nobody but us would undersand. A perfect girl to yawn in a movie theatre next to 'cause the movie sucks ass, but I can't help but love every moment of it because I'm sitting next to the greatest girl in not only the whole theatre, but quite possibly the entire world. A perfect girl to fight with about some stupid word I said a month ago and even though I totally know I'm right, as soon as she gives me that look immediately concede because she's been right all along. A perfect girl to wrap in my arms on the coldest nights when we're alone sitting in front of her fireplace talking about the probability of spontaneous combustion in marshmallows or whatever random thoughts came into our heads because it wouldn't matter what we were saying as long as we could hear each others voices on the other side of our touch.
Yeah, you know the one.
But I think I'm getting out of that, and by that I don't mean I'm looking less but rather, that I'm getting less absorbed in my search. I'm trying out another rule to add to my "Rules to Live by," and that is "4. Never let any one thing consume all of your attention," no matter what that thing is, good or bad.
I've also started meditating nightly (well, it's not formal "mediating" because I'm thinking about stuff, it it's close enough), which I hope will help me sort some things out that are going on in my life.
I've started doing one more thing too... but, I think I'll write a separate blog for some some time. It's really changed my life (if you read my twitter, you'd remember when I said that) -- not in a religious way or anything, just general improvement, you know.
*Sigh* But I suppose I should get back to my homework again.
Love and Peace, all.
-Lee Rumler
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The Update
It seems that as of late, I've found myself short of both free time and creativity. Such is exemplified now, where I begin my writing at 11:30p with still hours of homework left to do this night; however, I feel it necessary to inform my few readers of my life's current events beyond a few select twitter updates. I'm sure few will disagree with my proposition's necessity.
If you haven't noticed yet, I'm beginning to unnecessarily embellish my speech for no real reason at all beyond keeping from boring myself with my own words, which seems quite a likely scenario if I don't keep up my facade of intelligence.
I've also decided to eliminate the linking verb "be" from my vocabulary, along with all other forms of it (is, am, are, was, were, being, been). Of course, I will still use it as a helping verb; because if I didn't, I would just sound either stupid or Asian (Oriental languages don't have helping verbs or articles, so most Asians have trouble grasping those concepts).
Speaking of Asian, I'm taking an online Japanese class, and it looks as if it's going to be a great deal of fun, albeit a bit of work. But I can hardly expect anything to be of actual practical use if I don't put work into it. But then again, who said anyone needs to learn anything of practicality? Focusing on practicality remains one of our society's greatest downfalls, or at least that's what I contend. A conservative viewpoint would never harbor a life-changing idea, even if it would embrace it once it has been thoroughly explained and tested.
And this remains my problem with this city: it's insufferable conservatism and ignorant, hateful propaganda. I can hardly fathom how I will make it through this, my final year, and if I do, I can can hardly imagine my joy upon leaving this cult of sheep, lead only by sickening Republican lies.
Not that I blame the Republicans in the slightest. With prey this easy, I'm surprised the ghost of L. Ron Hubbard himself hasn't come to convert the masses with his lies.
Probably because they're all too damn stubborn in their closed-mindedness.
But enough of that. Today is a happy day. Today was the first day of the musical, and I found out that I get to kiss a certain someone not only once, but at least twice throughout the musical, and that certainly made my day if nothing else did. And wonderfully enough, everything else did. Today was just a good day in general. A lot of homework, but good.
And speaking of homework, I should probably get back to that. Only five intelligent sentences to write for English left now. That shouldn't be too hard (should being the acting word here, because writing intelligent sentences is always hard, although the pattern looks easy enough this time).
Oh, but before I go, I drove to Best Buy yesterday to buy a new pair of headphones (I've been looking for the perfect pair for years, and I think I'm finally getting reasonably close). I found a skullcandy pair that looked reasonably respectable in sound quality, comfort, and lack of noise-cancellation (which is a necessity for me, because I'm going to be using these headphones to sing with, and I need to hear myself). While I was checking out, I met this cool guy who basically told me to lie if the headphones sucked, and when I walked to the register, I gazed upon one of the prettiest girls I've ever seen. Or, at least out of those I've seen when I was shopping at Best Buy.
But that's about the entire story other than the fact that she was kind of flirting with me (but in that, I'm never going to see again, but you're still kind of cute kind of way. It's a depressing form of flirting, but it was all that would have made sense in those few moments.)
But then again, who said every action we take should make sense?
If you haven't noticed yet, I'm beginning to unnecessarily embellish my speech for no real reason at all beyond keeping from boring myself with my own words, which seems quite a likely scenario if I don't keep up my facade of intelligence.
I've also decided to eliminate the linking verb "be" from my vocabulary, along with all other forms of it (is, am, are, was, were, being, been). Of course, I will still use it as a helping verb; because if I didn't, I would just sound either stupid or Asian (Oriental languages don't have helping verbs or articles, so most Asians have trouble grasping those concepts).
Speaking of Asian, I'm taking an online Japanese class, and it looks as if it's going to be a great deal of fun, albeit a bit of work. But I can hardly expect anything to be of actual practical use if I don't put work into it. But then again, who said anyone needs to learn anything of practicality? Focusing on practicality remains one of our society's greatest downfalls, or at least that's what I contend. A conservative viewpoint would never harbor a life-changing idea, even if it would embrace it once it has been thoroughly explained and tested.
And this remains my problem with this city: it's insufferable conservatism and ignorant, hateful propaganda. I can hardly fathom how I will make it through this, my final year, and if I do, I can can hardly imagine my joy upon leaving this cult of sheep, lead only by sickening Republican lies.
Not that I blame the Republicans in the slightest. With prey this easy, I'm surprised the ghost of L. Ron Hubbard himself hasn't come to convert the masses with his lies.
Probably because they're all too damn stubborn in their closed-mindedness.
But enough of that. Today is a happy day. Today was the first day of the musical, and I found out that I get to kiss a certain someone not only once, but at least twice throughout the musical, and that certainly made my day if nothing else did. And wonderfully enough, everything else did. Today was just a good day in general. A lot of homework, but good.
And speaking of homework, I should probably get back to that. Only five intelligent sentences to write for English left now. That shouldn't be too hard (should being the acting word here, because writing intelligent sentences is always hard, although the pattern looks easy enough this time).
Oh, but before I go, I drove to Best Buy yesterday to buy a new pair of headphones (I've been looking for the perfect pair for years, and I think I'm finally getting reasonably close). I found a skullcandy pair that looked reasonably respectable in sound quality, comfort, and lack of noise-cancellation (which is a necessity for me, because I'm going to be using these headphones to sing with, and I need to hear myself). While I was checking out, I met this cool guy who basically told me to lie if the headphones sucked, and when I walked to the register, I gazed upon one of the prettiest girls I've ever seen. Or, at least out of those I've seen when I was shopping at Best Buy.
But that's about the entire story other than the fact that she was kind of flirting with me (but in that, I'm never going to see again, but you're still kind of cute kind of way. It's a depressing form of flirting, but it was all that would have made sense in those few moments.)
But then again, who said every action we take should make sense?
Monday, September 7, 2009
This Summer
This summer... has been nothing short from the best in my life. Without my friends, this summer would have been nothing. But with them, this summer has been the greatest the world has ever seen. I have loved every single moment of it.
From Bubble Island to Things Brewed,
from "Bitch, make me a sandwich! (And she actually made it)" to "Would you like to be cooked and nibbled upon?,"
from Subway to Chinese,
from failed plans of Cedar Point to successful plans of Warped Tour,
from parkour to band practice,
from bonfires to picnics
from 4 people in one bed to nights one on one,
from conversations that will last a lifetime to conversations we forgot the next day,
from Cascade Falls to two awesome malls,
from my broken car to someone else's broken car to someone else's broken car
and so much more
Smiling and laughing all the way.
Gareth
Jeremiah
James
Eddie
I love you guys, more than I could ever tell in words, and I hope you all know that. I can't even bear to break you guys apart and try to write something about each of you, because I know that it wouldn't even come close to speaking how much you guys mean to me. If it weren't for you four, not only my summer, but my entire life would suck, and that is the biggest understatement I've ever said.
Julie
If I were to die right now, at this very moment, I would die the happiest man in the world, solely because of you. And just like I said above, nothing I could write could ever measure up to how I feel about you. I love you.
Danielle
You may be a woman, but you're probably the coolest woman I know.
Logan
You have been one of my best friends since fourth grade. That alone should be enough said, but if I've ever said in my life that I've "said enough" about you, I was lying out of my ass. You are probably the most interesting character I've ever met, and I hope you never pass out of my life.
Matt
Matt, I know that you and I haven't spoken in a long time, and I really don't know if that's going to change in the next few months, but no matter what happens, I can always say that I'm glad you were my best friend for 4 years, and if I could go back and do anything differently, it would be stay good friends with you for the last two years. I'm sorry Matt.
Phil
... Oh Phil... I love you man, but that's all I can bring myself to say. There has not been a thought that has passed on you that I haven't smiled about.
Maggie
Cody
Mariette
Sam
Lexi
Kelsey
Jason
Mike
Becky
Ally
You guys are simply awesome, and I can't imaging what my life would be like if I hadn't met all of you.
Taylor
Rachel
Emma
Josh
And now introducing Alstatia
You guys are probably the craziest people I know, and... I'm still not quite sure if that's a good or bad thing, but whatever it is, you guys rock.
Bethany
Amanda
Melinda
I've had so many good times you with you guys. Truly, you three along with Matt and Eddie are who turned me into who I am today, and I could never say that I wish it was anyone else. Thank you so much. And by the way, Forest Gump was awesome.
ATDC
It was great. I'm so glad I could meet and get to know all of you so much better. That was probably time I've ever had at a school function. And specifically for Cody, I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better earlier. I always just kind of figured you were a jerk for some reason, so I never really talked to you, but after getting a ride home with you from EZP's, I wish I had dispelled those absurd notions and talked with you earlier.
Aaron
Matt L
Dan
I miss you guys. Thanks for making choir last year awesome, and I'm sorry I didn't hang out with you more this summer. As for Matt and Aaron, I probably still will, and Dani too! I still plan on visiting G-rap sometime. And as for Dan, seeing as we're most likely going to school together next year, chances are I'll be seeing you again next year too.
And to the men of Harrison City
I doubt any of you will read this, but I loved you guys. Every one except Rex and Simon. Pez, Dan, Kyle, Mark, Jeff, you guys made Boys' state bearable, and, dare I even say it, enjoyable. Although James helped too. All I can say to you, my friends is: AY!!!!!
But... I could never thank anybody. I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for one man:
Jim Keat
All I can say is... thank you. Thank you for turning me into who I am today. You are the sole reason why I am who I am, and I will never, for my entire life forget you. You changed me completely. You showed me who God was. You showed me what happiness was. You showed me what life was like when you live it.
Thank you.
Thank all of you
You've made this, my last summer, the greatest time I've had in my life. I could never thank you enough.
But just because the summer is over doesn't mean our fun has to end. Absolutely nothing has changed but the amount of time we have, and I know that we're going to keep having fun no matter what we do.
I guess, the only thing I can say is... keep up the awesome.
Oh, and one more thing.
I love you guys.
And don't forget to Download!
From Bubble Island to Things Brewed,
from "Bitch, make me a sandwich! (And she actually made it)" to "Would you like to be cooked and nibbled upon?,"
from Subway to Chinese,
from failed plans of Cedar Point to successful plans of Warped Tour,
from parkour to band practice,
from bonfires to picnics
from 4 people in one bed to nights one on one,
from conversations that will last a lifetime to conversations we forgot the next day,
from Cascade Falls to two awesome malls,
from my broken car to someone else's broken car to someone else's broken car
and so much more
Smiling and laughing all the way.
Gareth
Jeremiah
James
Eddie
I love you guys, more than I could ever tell in words, and I hope you all know that. I can't even bear to break you guys apart and try to write something about each of you, because I know that it wouldn't even come close to speaking how much you guys mean to me. If it weren't for you four, not only my summer, but my entire life would suck, and that is the biggest understatement I've ever said.
Julie
If I were to die right now, at this very moment, I would die the happiest man in the world, solely because of you. And just like I said above, nothing I could write could ever measure up to how I feel about you. I love you.
Danielle
You may be a woman, but you're probably the coolest woman I know.
Logan
You have been one of my best friends since fourth grade. That alone should be enough said, but if I've ever said in my life that I've "said enough" about you, I was lying out of my ass. You are probably the most interesting character I've ever met, and I hope you never pass out of my life.
Matt
Matt, I know that you and I haven't spoken in a long time, and I really don't know if that's going to change in the next few months, but no matter what happens, I can always say that I'm glad you were my best friend for 4 years, and if I could go back and do anything differently, it would be stay good friends with you for the last two years. I'm sorry Matt.
Phil
... Oh Phil... I love you man, but that's all I can bring myself to say. There has not been a thought that has passed on you that I haven't smiled about.
Maggie
Cody
Mariette
Sam
Lexi
Kelsey
Jason
Mike
Becky
Ally
You guys are simply awesome, and I can't imaging what my life would be like if I hadn't met all of you.
Taylor
Rachel
Emma
Josh
And now introducing Alstatia
You guys are probably the craziest people I know, and... I'm still not quite sure if that's a good or bad thing, but whatever it is, you guys rock.
Bethany
Amanda
Melinda
I've had so many good times you with you guys. Truly, you three along with Matt and Eddie are who turned me into who I am today, and I could never say that I wish it was anyone else. Thank you so much. And by the way, Forest Gump was awesome.
ATDC
It was great. I'm so glad I could meet and get to know all of you so much better. That was probably time I've ever had at a school function. And specifically for Cody, I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better earlier. I always just kind of figured you were a jerk for some reason, so I never really talked to you, but after getting a ride home with you from EZP's, I wish I had dispelled those absurd notions and talked with you earlier.
Aaron
Matt L
Dan
I miss you guys. Thanks for making choir last year awesome, and I'm sorry I didn't hang out with you more this summer. As for Matt and Aaron, I probably still will, and Dani too! I still plan on visiting G-rap sometime. And as for Dan, seeing as we're most likely going to school together next year, chances are I'll be seeing you again next year too.
And to the men of Harrison City
I doubt any of you will read this, but I loved you guys. Every one except Rex and Simon. Pez, Dan, Kyle, Mark, Jeff, you guys made Boys' state bearable, and, dare I even say it, enjoyable. Although James helped too. All I can say to you, my friends is: AY!!!!!
But... I could never thank anybody. I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for one man:
Jim Keat
All I can say is... thank you. Thank you for turning me into who I am today. You are the sole reason why I am who I am, and I will never, for my entire life forget you. You changed me completely. You showed me who God was. You showed me what happiness was. You showed me what life was like when you live it.
Thank you.
Thank all of you
You've made this, my last summer, the greatest time I've had in my life. I could never thank you enough.
But just because the summer is over doesn't mean our fun has to end. Absolutely nothing has changed but the amount of time we have, and I know that we're going to keep having fun no matter what we do.
I guess, the only thing I can say is... keep up the awesome.
Oh, and one more thing.
I love you guys.
And don't forget to Download!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
What have I been doing with my life?
It's a pretty common question I've been asking myself lately. As some of you may know, I've been slightly addicted to The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion, and have been playing that nearly non-stop lately, but I mean more than that.
I mean the way that I haven't been accomplishing lately.
At the beginning of the summer, I compiled a list of things to accomplish. It consisted of about five tasks, and since then, I've added about another five. Guess how many I'm even close to accomplishing. Just guess.
One. And that is to get rid of my acne, and I'm not even done with that.
*Sigh* So as I speak, I recommence my work on projects, namely, finishing the AP English summer program which was due... I don't even know, 3 weeks ago?
Tomorrow I'll try to learn a little guitar, I'll totally get to work on my programming, and I'll have to make sure to keep drinking plenty of water and work out. Can't forget breaking that caffeine addiction too, and writing in my notebook. I have to acclimate myself to my school schedule too, which reminds me, it's 3:15, and I still need to do that English homework.
'Tis sad this post couldn't be more thoughtful, but I was doing research, and found out some interesting and useful information.
I mean the way that I haven't been accomplishing lately.
At the beginning of the summer, I compiled a list of things to accomplish. It consisted of about five tasks, and since then, I've added about another five. Guess how many I'm even close to accomplishing. Just guess.
One. And that is to get rid of my acne, and I'm not even done with that.
*Sigh* So as I speak, I recommence my work on projects, namely, finishing the AP English summer program which was due... I don't even know, 3 weeks ago?
Tomorrow I'll try to learn a little guitar, I'll totally get to work on my programming, and I'll have to make sure to keep drinking plenty of water and work out. Can't forget breaking that caffeine addiction too, and writing in my notebook. I have to acclimate myself to my school schedule too, which reminds me, it's 3:15, and I still need to do that English homework.
'Tis sad this post couldn't be more thoughtful, but I was doing research, and found out some interesting and useful information.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Did I Ever Say That I Hate Windows?
Because if I haven't, then I should have.
About 600 times.
And if I did, then add about another 300 times onto there.
I hate windows. Why? Because no matter what I try to do, Windows doesn't want me to, and since it's the operating system, it wants to think that it's boss, and tries to keep me from doing it. Then it crashes, corrupts my entire hard drive, and then can't recover itself even though it claims it can.
This is what I've been dealing with for the past few days, and quite honestly, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of all of it. I'm completely tired of paying for shit that doesn't do what it's supposed to do just so I can run programs that I need to in real life.
WHY THE FUCK DON'T PEOPLE USE LINUX!?!?
It's so easy, so reliable, so easy to maintain, so fun to use, and it actually does what it's supposed to do.
Let me explain my recent dilemma to elaborate.
I just bought a laptop (as most of you know). It was $2,600. Basically, it's the shit. In fact, it is literally the fastest laptop on the market right now. I really really like it. It was extremely well made, does everything it's supposed to; Hell, I even like the way the keys feel.
But there was one problem with it: It came with Vista.
Now at first that didn't seem like much of a problem. I figured since Windows is the most popular Operating System on the market (for some reason that completely escapes everyone but God apparently), it would at least have some resemblance of ease of use.
Wow, was I wrong. Let me start off with the file structure: It's hell. Trying to navigate through the Windows file system (for someone who's accustomed to a sensible filesystem, such as I) is like trying to find your way from the middle of the amazon rainforest to Cairo, Egypt without a map.
Or a boat.
And however much I wish I was exaggerating, I'm really not. It's terrible. It took me 3 days to finally figure out how to add folders to my favourites, and I don't think I'll ever be able to understand why they don't let me move any further backwards than my libraries/home folder when they're both just folders located in another folder. I really don't even understand the function of the "libraries" folder either. And why the hell did they get rid of "My Documents," but kept My Music, My Pictures, My Videos, etc. and then throw an empty My Documents into the home folder?
Even saying that is confusing.
So I was running it for a while. I tried installing Oblivion. It took me 6 hours. Then I tried running Oblivion. Half of it worked. Then every attempt I made at changing something failed. So FINALLY I just decided to say, "Fuck this fuckin' shit, this is fuckin' bullshit fuckin' fuck FUCK!!!" and upgraded to Windows 7.
Windows 7 was a relief. No longer did I feel like the operating system was trying to impede my every step, and although there were a lot of the whole "look & feel" things I absolutely hated at first (I don't like Aero. I just don't.) I'm starting to grow numb (accustomed? I don't know. I still don't like it, but it's not bothering me every time I look at it anymore.)
However, it's still far from what I would call stable or well programmed, but I thought I could deal with that for the sake of compatibility.
I was wrong.
In the middle of cut-pasting, the computer crashed. Not only did I loose the entire Marcy Playground discography, but after trying to delete the remainder, I was slapped in the face by the "data is corrupt, run chkdisk. No, you can't just delete it stupid, run chkdisk!!"
"Um... Okay? I'll amuse you computer. I'll run chkdisk. (How the fuck do you even say that? Did they purposely spell that wrong?)"
"Haha! You fell for my trap! Now I will crash 6 times trying to run chkdisk, and you'll be forced to completely reinstall Windows!!!"
"Wow... You're an ass."
And that's how my conversation with my computer went. And yes, I did have to completely reinstall (that's why I'm typing this on fedora.) Fortunately, I was able to recover all of my files through Linux.
I still don't know what happened to my computer. I don't know why it crashed. All that I know is that I'm totally pissed because I'm going to have to spend another hour recustomizing it.
*Sigh.* Wow. Thanks to everyone who made it through this post. I'm not going to pdf it, I just needed to vent. Thanks for making it through though.
About 600 times.
And if I did, then add about another 300 times onto there.
I hate windows. Why? Because no matter what I try to do, Windows doesn't want me to, and since it's the operating system, it wants to think that it's boss, and tries to keep me from doing it. Then it crashes, corrupts my entire hard drive, and then can't recover itself even though it claims it can.
This is what I've been dealing with for the past few days, and quite honestly, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of all of it. I'm completely tired of paying for shit that doesn't do what it's supposed to do just so I can run programs that I need to in real life.
WHY THE FUCK DON'T PEOPLE USE LINUX!?!?
It's so easy, so reliable, so easy to maintain, so fun to use, and it actually does what it's supposed to do.
Let me explain my recent dilemma to elaborate.
I just bought a laptop (as most of you know). It was $2,600. Basically, it's the shit. In fact, it is literally the fastest laptop on the market right now. I really really like it. It was extremely well made, does everything it's supposed to; Hell, I even like the way the keys feel.
But there was one problem with it: It came with Vista.
Now at first that didn't seem like much of a problem. I figured since Windows is the most popular Operating System on the market (for some reason that completely escapes everyone but God apparently), it would at least have some resemblance of ease of use.
Wow, was I wrong. Let me start off with the file structure: It's hell. Trying to navigate through the Windows file system (for someone who's accustomed to a sensible filesystem, such as I) is like trying to find your way from the middle of the amazon rainforest to Cairo, Egypt without a map.
Or a boat.
And however much I wish I was exaggerating, I'm really not. It's terrible. It took me 3 days to finally figure out how to add folders to my favourites, and I don't think I'll ever be able to understand why they don't let me move any further backwards than my libraries/home folder when they're both just folders located in another folder. I really don't even understand the function of the "libraries" folder either. And why the hell did they get rid of "My Documents," but kept My Music, My Pictures, My Videos, etc. and then throw an empty My Documents into the home folder?
Even saying that is confusing.
So I was running it for a while. I tried installing Oblivion. It took me 6 hours. Then I tried running Oblivion. Half of it worked. Then every attempt I made at changing something failed. So FINALLY I just decided to say, "Fuck this fuckin' shit, this is fuckin' bullshit fuckin' fuck FUCK!!!" and upgraded to Windows 7.
Windows 7 was a relief. No longer did I feel like the operating system was trying to impede my every step, and although there were a lot of the whole "look & feel" things I absolutely hated at first (I don't like Aero. I just don't.) I'm starting to grow numb (accustomed? I don't know. I still don't like it, but it's not bothering me every time I look at it anymore.)
However, it's still far from what I would call stable or well programmed, but I thought I could deal with that for the sake of compatibility.
I was wrong.
In the middle of cut-pasting, the computer crashed. Not only did I loose the entire Marcy Playground discography, but after trying to delete the remainder, I was slapped in the face by the "data is corrupt, run chkdisk. No, you can't just delete it stupid, run chkdisk!!"
"Um... Okay? I'll amuse you computer. I'll run chkdisk. (How the fuck do you even say that? Did they purposely spell that wrong?)"
"Haha! You fell for my trap! Now I will crash 6 times trying to run chkdisk, and you'll be forced to completely reinstall Windows!!!"
"Wow... You're an ass."
And that's how my conversation with my computer went. And yes, I did have to completely reinstall (that's why I'm typing this on fedora.) Fortunately, I was able to recover all of my files through Linux.
I still don't know what happened to my computer. I don't know why it crashed. All that I know is that I'm totally pissed because I'm going to have to spend another hour recustomizing it.
*Sigh.* Wow. Thanks to everyone who made it through this post. I'm not going to pdf it, I just needed to vent. Thanks for making it through though.
Monday, August 17, 2009
The... iPod? What?
So for everybody that's been following my real life activity, you probably know that I've been sick. Horribly sick, actually. It's kind of like a mix between a mild form of mono and the stomach flu.
And those two don't combine well.
Think about it. Or don't, actually, that's probably better.
Anyway, I don't have the mental power to actually write anything important right now, but I remembered a while ago that I had written a little piece on my iPod a week or so ago, so I emailed it to myself, and decided to post it.
Life is moving on, and I guess I should move on with it. Recently I've been just kind of going with the flow more than I've wanted. I don't really understand why I have, and I still don't quite understand why I've suddenly snapped back into reality, but I have to say, I sort of enjoy it - bring part of reality again. It's all so refreshing.
It's so strange. I guess, I'm here, sitting in the back of Gareth's car, thinking about how much my life is changing and where I'm going with it, and for once,
I'm not depressed.
I've started to accept me as I am. Before, I just would hve said, "No, I'm not nervous about the future, I'm going to go places!" But... Now, I'm finally accepting myself. Yeah, I'm nervous. I'm worried about the future, but I know myself now, and I know that I'm going to take every opportunity I can to improve my life. I'm going to do everything that I can to improve myself. And yeah, maybe life won't turn out exactly as I want it to, but whatever happens, I'll know that I did everything I can, and that will be good enough. I mean, I know that I'm intelligent, I know that I have skills that are useful in the future, so I know that I'm not going to fail at life, and I know that no matter what happens, I'll have God on my side watching out for me.
Am I worried about my future? Yeah.
But am I afraid? Never.
Deep thought in the back seat. Anyway, don't forget to pick up this blog here.
And those two don't combine well.
Think about it. Or don't, actually, that's probably better.
Anyway, I don't have the mental power to actually write anything important right now, but I remembered a while ago that I had written a little piece on my iPod a week or so ago, so I emailed it to myself, and decided to post it.
Life is moving on, and I guess I should move on with it. Recently I've been just kind of going with the flow more than I've wanted. I don't really understand why I have, and I still don't quite understand why I've suddenly snapped back into reality, but I have to say, I sort of enjoy it - bring part of reality again. It's all so refreshing.
It's so strange. I guess, I'm here, sitting in the back of Gareth's car, thinking about how much my life is changing and where I'm going with it, and for once,
I'm not depressed.
I've started to accept me as I am. Before, I just would hve said, "No, I'm not nervous about the future, I'm going to go places!" But... Now, I'm finally accepting myself. Yeah, I'm nervous. I'm worried about the future, but I know myself now, and I know that I'm going to take every opportunity I can to improve my life. I'm going to do everything that I can to improve myself. And yeah, maybe life won't turn out exactly as I want it to, but whatever happens, I'll know that I did everything I can, and that will be good enough. I mean, I know that I'm intelligent, I know that I have skills that are useful in the future, so I know that I'm not going to fail at life, and I know that no matter what happens, I'll have God on my side watching out for me.
Am I worried about my future? Yeah.
But am I afraid? Never.
Deep thought in the back seat. Anyway, don't forget to pick up this blog here.
Friday, August 14, 2009
The Catch-up
I'm aware that some of you haven't actually read some of my other blogs, and I'm speaking mostly the people from facebook who will be reading this, but I figured, that since I was working all this morning on archiving my old blogs, I might as well make them available to you too.
Here's where you can pick them up:
Life in G Major
Not What I Wanted to Talk About
Life isn't So Suck
Is it Wrong to Love Like This?
Love is Everything
And... if you must... Get the Fuck Out of My Car. But if you haven't read that one, I wouldn't recommend it.
If you haven't, you should totally check them out (except for the last one)!
That's all for today. At least for now. What more do you expect? It took me a while to round all of these blogs up, get off of my back.
Oh, and don't forget, you can download this post here.
Here's where you can pick them up:
Life in G Major
Not What I Wanted to Talk About
Life isn't So Suck
Is it Wrong to Love Like This?
Love is Everything
And... if you must... Get the Fuck Out of My Car. But if you haven't read that one, I wouldn't recommend it.
If you haven't, you should totally check them out (except for the last one)!
That's all for today. At least for now. What more do you expect? It took me a while to round all of these blogs up, get off of my back.
Oh, and don't forget, you can download this post here.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
The Prelude
How do you actually start a blog? I don't really know, and before I started writing this, I figured it wouldn't really matter, but now that I am, I really wish I had thought this out.
I guess I had just figured doing this would be natural for me, I mean, I have been blogging off and on for about... 5 years? I suppose that's right. But I've never gotten a "real" blog before. I thought I never needed one. Until now. Why? I don't know, I just feel now more than ever need a place to put down my thoughts, and so many of my friends are switching to so many different social networking sites (well, mostly facebook, but, and I'm sorry to everyone for saying this, but I just can't get into facebook), I can't keep up with all of them.
That's not my only reason I'll admit, but the others I'm keeping to myself for now.
5 years? Yeah, it's a big claim, but it's true. I doubt many of you will remember, but my blogging days all started with xanga in about 7th grade. I stayed there, I continued blogging, even long after everyone left xanga for myspace. But after long enough of knowing that my blogs were never read, I decided it was time to move on to myspace. I guess I kind of stopped for a while during the myspace days, but I started up again with my "forgottenprophet" persona, and I really like what I accomplished when I wrote those blogs. I guess that was just last year, too.
Should I talk about myself? No. That's not for today. Well, maybe, but later tonight if I get the time. My story is one that needs... a long time to explain.
But what I will talk about is what I'm going to accomplish with this blog.
I guess one habit that I've had for a long time is trying to create pseudonyms for myself. Ever since my xanga days, I've been attempting to break up my personality into little bite-sized chunks. Just little isolated parts of myself, and I would try to grow them and make them into full personalities.
I don't know why I did this. Sometimes I think... that I just never liked myself. I didn't like all that I was combined together, so I tried to tear it apart. But... I don't know why. I'm still trying to sort these things out, really.
But sometimes I just think that I was trying to figure myself out. I didn't understand who I was, or how all of these interests of mine (and trust me, I have many, many interests) could all fit together and make who was me. So I broke myself up, I made these personalities and experimented with them to explore who I was and how those portions of me came to be.
But... I never got anywhere. All of these pseudonyms just made me... confused. Even more confused than I was. I never understood myself better, and I kept feeling more lost, even thought I thought I was coming closer to finding out who I was every day.
Then... one day, I was on a family vacation and I "met" Julie. And everything changed.
For those of you keeping track, yes, this is the first time I've attributed her to the change I've went through recently.
Anyway, after I met Julie, I started to make sense to myself. Started to. I'm still just beginning my search of self-discovery, but I've finally started accepting myself as who I am as one person, and I think that's a big step in figuring me out.
But anyway, this blog is going to be a combination of everything I've ever created and wanted to create. I'm going to talk about every aspect of my life. I'm going to tell you about everything I've done and want to do. I'm going to post my stupid ideas, my brilliant ideas, my funniest ideas, my deepest ideas, songs I write, recipes I create, reviews I... I already said write, but that's how you make reviews, hahaha.
This blog is going to be everything I've ever wanted, and it's a place where I'm going to be myself. Full out. And hopefully it will help me extend myself into everything I do.
Anyway, that's about it for now guys.
Tons of love, and don't forget to subscribe however you can. Hopefully I'm going to link this to as many social networking sites as I can, and that means Twitter, Facebook, hopefully Myspace, whatever; If you know what an RSS feed is, I'm going to try to set one of those up; If you have to just bookmark it and check it regularly, go for it, I don't care, whatever you need to do to keep reading.
Love and peace everyone,
Lee Rumler
--Edit--
Okay, so I've decided to make every one of these blogs downloadable! Pointless? Somewhat. But... ziddu.com runs a service that pays you based on how many people download your files, and that's pretty awesome in my opinion.
So be sure to download this blog, along with all of the others post in the future. Think of it as collecting!
I guess I had just figured doing this would be natural for me, I mean, I have been blogging off and on for about... 5 years? I suppose that's right. But I've never gotten a "real" blog before. I thought I never needed one. Until now. Why? I don't know, I just feel now more than ever need a place to put down my thoughts, and so many of my friends are switching to so many different social networking sites (well, mostly facebook, but, and I'm sorry to everyone for saying this, but I just can't get into facebook), I can't keep up with all of them.
That's not my only reason I'll admit, but the others I'm keeping to myself for now.
5 years? Yeah, it's a big claim, but it's true. I doubt many of you will remember, but my blogging days all started with xanga in about 7th grade. I stayed there, I continued blogging, even long after everyone left xanga for myspace. But after long enough of knowing that my blogs were never read, I decided it was time to move on to myspace. I guess I kind of stopped for a while during the myspace days, but I started up again with my "forgottenprophet" persona, and I really like what I accomplished when I wrote those blogs. I guess that was just last year, too.
Should I talk about myself? No. That's not for today. Well, maybe, but later tonight if I get the time. My story is one that needs... a long time to explain.
But what I will talk about is what I'm going to accomplish with this blog.
I guess one habit that I've had for a long time is trying to create pseudonyms for myself. Ever since my xanga days, I've been attempting to break up my personality into little bite-sized chunks. Just little isolated parts of myself, and I would try to grow them and make them into full personalities.
I don't know why I did this. Sometimes I think... that I just never liked myself. I didn't like all that I was combined together, so I tried to tear it apart. But... I don't know why. I'm still trying to sort these things out, really.
But sometimes I just think that I was trying to figure myself out. I didn't understand who I was, or how all of these interests of mine (and trust me, I have many, many interests) could all fit together and make who was me. So I broke myself up, I made these personalities and experimented with them to explore who I was and how those portions of me came to be.
But... I never got anywhere. All of these pseudonyms just made me... confused. Even more confused than I was. I never understood myself better, and I kept feeling more lost, even thought I thought I was coming closer to finding out who I was every day.
Then... one day, I was on a family vacation and I "met" Julie. And everything changed.
For those of you keeping track, yes, this is the first time I've attributed her to the change I've went through recently.
Anyway, after I met Julie, I started to make sense to myself. Started to. I'm still just beginning my search of self-discovery, but I've finally started accepting myself as who I am as one person, and I think that's a big step in figuring me out.
But anyway, this blog is going to be a combination of everything I've ever created and wanted to create. I'm going to talk about every aspect of my life. I'm going to tell you about everything I've done and want to do. I'm going to post my stupid ideas, my brilliant ideas, my funniest ideas, my deepest ideas, songs I write, recipes I create, reviews I... I already said write, but that's how you make reviews, hahaha.
This blog is going to be everything I've ever wanted, and it's a place where I'm going to be myself. Full out. And hopefully it will help me extend myself into everything I do.
Anyway, that's about it for now guys.
Tons of love, and don't forget to subscribe however you can. Hopefully I'm going to link this to as many social networking sites as I can, and that means Twitter, Facebook, hopefully Myspace, whatever; If you know what an RSS feed is, I'm going to try to set one of those up; If you have to just bookmark it and check it regularly, go for it, I don't care, whatever you need to do to keep reading.
Love and peace everyone,
Lee Rumler
--Edit--
Okay, so I've decided to make every one of these blogs downloadable! Pointless? Somewhat. But... ziddu.com runs a service that pays you based on how many people download your files, and that's pretty awesome in my opinion.
So be sure to download this blog, along with all of the others post in the future. Think of it as collecting!
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