A New Kind of Goal.

I have yet to create my second or third blogs, but it is decided that I most likely will.

However, this post would have been on this blog anyway.

I decided today as I was driving to Meijer to pick up some tennis balls for my drier that I'm adding a Kindof Goal to my list.  I am quitting social networking sites.

*Horrified Gasp*

But why Lee?  Why would you commit such a terrible, self-depriving act?  Why would you torment yourself so cruelly, so barbarously?

Because social networking sites suck.

For hours on end, I will sit in front of the computer screen attempting to find a way to entertain myself using social networking sites.  Why do I do this?  Because they exist, and they're supposed to be entertaining.  They're supposed to occupy people's time and people are supposed to enjoy that, but I never have.  I hate them.  They bore the fuck out of me.  If anyone pays attention to my social networking status updates, they'll know that I've posted at least three or four of them explaining how myspace/facebook has utterly failed in entertaining me, and does this daily.

But somehow, even with my intense hatred for them, I manage to lose my life to them, so I'm quitting all together.

See, a lot of times I'll be running through the Internet, trying to think of fun, Internet related things to do, because I know that I used to enjoy doing them, but whenever I'm on the computer, I'll have mybook or facespace open and numbly slide back to them, stare at the screen for a bit, and then shut down my brain entirely from boredom.  I cease even attempting to rid myself of boredom because of social networking sites -- I don't know why, don't ask me that, but I do, so I'm done with them.

I know the Internet can be fun.  It always used to be before I spent all of my time on myfacespacebook, and I am pledging the remainder of my life to rediscovering that fun.

I'm not tossing out twitter, though, because that can be useful, and I may comment a few status updates or something on the facemybookspace every once in a while.  This is just more of a "get rid of the terribleness of those sites from my life" goal.  Not a "destroy the good along with it" goal.

The Split.

Alright, so I just had this idea.  Now, I'm going to warn you, there is a chance the demon who lives in my closet may be fully responsible for it (implanting it via brain wave manipulation through sonic devices, I don't know, he's done it before, that's why I don't own ferrets anymore).  Here's the idea:

I'm going to set up three separate blogs.  The first blog will be Lee's Blog as you know it, nothing changed (except this post, which will be moved to my third blog).  It will contain my general philosophical ramblings that I've been posting here for a while.

My second blog will be a new Lee's Blog.  It will NOT contain "heavy" subject matter in the slightest.  It will basically be different stuff about my life, and will contain material like my Kind of Goals, weekend plans, random invention ideas and the like.

My third blog will be an entirely new creation.  Something you've never seen before!  Unless, that is, you've read around cracked.com a bit or explored other similar sites.  Basically, it's going to be just plain funny, stupid articles about stuff like, "How to Kidnap the President's Daughters," "What if Logan Actually Did Rob That Bank?" and, you can't forget, "I am Man."  Alright, so I guess it's not completely new, but it's radically different from what I usually post on here.

Please, tell me what you think:

Is the demon in my closet right?  Should I split up my blogs into three?
Should I do those three ideas, but keep them all on the same page?
Should I just scrap the whole idea and continue doing what I'm doing?
Or do you have another revolutionary idea that will make me literally billions of dollars?
Oh, and just because I feel it necessary to ask:  Do you guys think my normal posts are a bit long-winded?  I feel like they usually are, and I might try to cut them down -- but probably not, because that would take effort.

Change.

It's something I think about a lot in my life.  It's something that's constantly happening and constantly affecting us.  Changing knowledge, changing views, changing friends, changing loves, changing times.  One change I've had in the past two weeks was that I learned the difference between affect and effect.

Nothing is constant.  And, personally, I would never want it to be anyway.  I want to be a person who can live his entire life believing one belief stronger than any other belief he believes, but if tomorrow I hear the truth is completely contrary to what I've believed, I want to believe just as strongly in that belief and love it just as much as I loved my old belief, without regret or disconcertion.

One of my current beliefs, and one that I don't see changing for the rest of my life is this (as stated by Ralph Waldo Emerson), "Today speaks what today thinks in hard words, and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict everything you said today," for it is far greater a sin to never stand up for your beliefs than it is to one day change them.

I don't think a lot of people believe this.  I think a lot of people see change as the greatest human sin, but that's so far from the truth.  A change of beliefs doesn't change who a person is.

Or at least that's what I've always thought.  But then again, I've always wondered, What are we if not our beliefs?  I've always defined a human being as what he or she believes in.  It separates us from animals that cannot feel or believe.  It separates us fundamentally as people, but it leaves so much unexplained.  It serves its purpose as a temporary answer to the question, but it could never hold as a true solution.

One of my beliefs that I'm trying to change is that I need to be the best.  That's not true.  It's strange, almost wretched, how adding three words to a belief can be so hard:  I need to be the best I can be.  The first statement brings me to my best by feeding my ego and believing that I am and can be greater than anyone else, and while that fact is true, anybody can be better than everybody if they try hard enough--that is a fact.  It's not me that is greater than everyone, it is the human potential.  The second statement allows me to accomplish the full human potential without having to compete against anyone else.  I don't need to be better than anyone;  in fact, helping others will help me achieve my own potential.  Not that that would ever motivate me to help people, haha.

Because even though that's not going to change anything on the outside of me, it's going to change who I am.  I don't want to continue with some massive ego, thinking that I'm the greatest person in the world.  I'm not the greatest person in the world.  I am the greatest Lee Rumler in the world, and that's all I need to be.  That's all I want to be.

I want to be me.

And I want me to be happy, which is another change of beliefs that has actually lead me to be pretty stressed lately.  I always thought I'd be happy with my plans of computer engineering, but now I really don't know;  I think I want to be a writer, but I don't want to give up my dreams.

I haven't figured it out yet, but I will.  It'll take some time and maybe some self-discovery, but I'll get there sometime.

Change.

I realized today that I've changed over the years.  I have changed so much.  And every day I love who I become a little more, because that is the nature of change.

Maybe...  maybe who a person is...  isn't who a person is.  It's not how a person looks or what a person says or believes.  A person is who they are becoming.  Constantly.  A person is the person they are constantly changing into.

I revised one of my beliefs today.

I always used to believe I didn't care what anyone thought.  A few years ago, I decided that probably wasn't true, so I changed it to, "I don't care what you think about me," which worked for a time, but it still left me with a somewhat empty feeling.  So about a year or more ago, I changed it to, "I don't care what you think, but I care what you feel."

That still wasn't right.  It left something to be desired, like I wasn't quite saying what I meant to.  Today, I think I finally figured it out, at least, until the next time it changes.

"I care what you think.  Please tell me."

I am invincible.  Words and insults don't hurt me.  But that's not important.  Not for you.  What matters is that I help as many people as need it, and I can only do that by listening.

Change.

How have you changed?

Comment it;  blog about it;  vlog about it;  just think about it -- it doesn't matter.

What We Got

I hate hurting people. Out of every single concept I hate, hurting people is the greatest. Whether it be my hatred toward people who hurt people or my own hatred for hurting people, I hate it. Beyond belief.

But sometimes hurting people is necessary -- and I'm not talking about that "she/he deserved it" shit, that's fuckin' stupid -- no one, I don't give a shit how fuckin' terrible they treat anyone else, deserves to be hurt -- I'm talking about the times when you have to say something to help someone, but you know it's going to hurt them. I hate it. Even with the best intentions, your words are going to be taken in the worst way possible, and I hate it.

Did I mention I hate it?

I did that today. Once. The other time I was just being a sick, twisted person, which makes it even worse. I didn't need to hurt Taylor, I just did it because I was mad, and I'm sorry about that -- I'm trying to fix that; I don't want to strike out in anger anymore. Ever.

I had to hurt Logan today, though, and, unfortunately, I think that's going to be the first in a series of wounds, and I deeply regret every one I'm going to be forced to cut.

But that's life, I guess. You're gonna have to do shit you don't want to do, but you have to, and there's nothing you can do to stop it, so you might as well just roll with it and do the best you can.

Some people say "Shit happens." I don't know how I like that phrase. I guess it's true, but it's kind of pessimistic. I mean, it basically says, "Bad stuff is going to happen to you, so deal with it." I have another phrase I like to say, and I think it's a bit more optimistic:

Life happens. Sometimes life happens good; sometimes life happens bad, but life happens, and you're never gonna stop it. I figure as long as you're still kicking, you're probably winning, and the best you can ever do is hold onto what you have, whatever's important to you. Whether it's your friends, your family, or just your ideals pulling you through: whatever it is, it's probably good enough to live for, and trying to find anything else bigger or more important is just gonna end with you staring at the sky wondering.

I'd rather be happy than informed any day, and if someday some guy figures out the meaning of life when I'm sitting around, chilling with my friends in our apartment, living it up, I can go without knowing until we're done, and, hell, if the only way I can learn is if I leave my friends at that very second and listen to him explain it, I'd pass.

Because my friends are what I got, and I wouldn't give them up for anything. Not certainty of God, not the meaning of life, not endless talent, money, or women. Nothing.

And I'm not saying my friends are all I got. I got a bunch of great stuff, like my family, my ideals, my brains, my ideas, everything, and they're all what I live for.

See, the problem comes when life happens bad, and those things you love are taken away from you, but I figure when that happens you only have one option: grab onto whatever you can take with you and run like hell, and if you can't do that, and you're left with nothin', you've always got yourself and a whole slew of memories and experiences to help you find something new.

Not that that'll happen, most likely, because life's usually good enough, and even when it isn't, you can pretty much deal with it and keep what you have easily enough.

I guess this is just to everyone who's been dealing with a lot lately, because I know most of us have and probably will continue for a while at least. No matter how much we lose, we usually still have something somewhere we just haven't looked.

And if you look everywhere and still can't find shit, you can always join the circus.

I hear the touring's great this time of year.

A Writer's Heart

Partly because I didn't want that depressing post being my first anymore, partly because it's one of my Kind of Goals to write more (blogs, journals, essays, books, etc.), partly because I'm procrastinating, and partly because I'm just inspired, today is another day to update the blog.

Certain people have been harassing me about not updating my blog constantly, as they seem to enjoy, so I will respond to their comments in brief now:

Firstly, fuck off -- I do what I want.

Secondly, I prefer to not update my blog unless I have something fairly significant to say. I despise pointless writing almost as much as I despise complaining, and I refuse to produce it myself unless under gunpoint, which hasn't happened as of late. The next time it does, though, you can feel assured that there will be a flood of meaningless dribble cascading its way onto the Internet. Until then, I shall stand firm.

That is not to say that I necessarily dislike people who write without purpose. While it may be true that I don't quite appreciate their efforts, no one should, by any means, assume that I dislike their efforts, because any writing, no matter how inconsequential, is a subtle portal into the writer's thoughts and feelings; therefore, it holds significance.

I suppose I just contradicted myself, now didn't I?

Well, whatever -- you know what I mean, and that's really the whole purpose of writing, isn't it?

I mean, of course grammar and punctuation and spelling and creativity and eloquence are nice, and all are important in their own way, but the purpose, the real purpose of writing, is to communicate what you mean. And I just love that. So much work, so much dedication and time can be put into one piece of writing only a few sentences long all to instill within you the precise message the author is attempting to impart.

Which I suppose takes me in a circle back to why the hell do people write meaningless dribble? Not that I'm saying the people who have been harassing me are writing meaningless dribble -- they just have a lot more to say than I do, but I have seen people whose entire lives are completely based off nothing. They have no motivations behind their actions, no drives which pull them through the day, nothing. I can't comprehend how they function, really.

But I already said I was leaving that topic, and I am.

I have realized that I want to be a writer. I love language: writing, singing, speaking, poetry, books, everything (except newspapers), I love language, and I think... that it has become my passion.

I think I've realized that I don't love computers as much as I thought I did. Don't get me wrong, I still love computers, but I don't think I value the connections between circuits as much as I value the connections between people. I don't think I love math or science close to as much as I love English, and I think that I'm going to change my life plans.

I want to be an author.

I want to write books, screenplays, blogs, everything. I love writing, and I want to live off it, but I don't think I can. It's almost impossible to live as an author, because unless, by some stroke of luck, I become famous, I will have zero dollars in the bank account 23/7 (that was not a typo), and unfortunately, I want to eat and maybe even start a family someday.

I don't want to be an author because there is almost no way I can make it, and I am not, and never will be, egotistical enough to believe I can in a world full of the amazing creators we have.

But yet, it is what I need. It's what I long for.

I have a writer's heart. Creativity is my mother and structure, my father; logic, my brother and care, my sister. God placed freedom in my soul and gave me his will to create and share, and all I want is to serve him.

Yet I'm blinded by dark clouds in my future.

It's very upsetting, you see?

But I'll figure it out. I think I'll attempt to go to MSU instead of Kettering. More opportunities in my passions, you see. So unless Princeton, Stanford, or MIT accepts me, I'm set for future plans.

But now I have a question for all you thinkers and writers:

What is your heart made of? Who do you want to be? I look forward to reading responses.

And for everyone who doesn't have a blog and wants to comment, don't worry! You don't need one! Just create a google account (or use the one you already have, you tech-savvy genius) --it's easy, free, and doesn't send you shitloads of spam-- and comment away.