This Is Fear.

Imagine a 200,000 pound press. In case you don't know what that is, imagine a giant robot that can exert 200,000 pounds of force with little difficulty. Now imagine that robot bringing down a brushed steel hammer two feet in diameter down on your heart.

That's pretty close to how I'm feeling right about now.

Why?

Because I realized today exactly how much shit I have to get done within the year, and I don't think I can make it.

On top of that, one of my greatest dreams was shattered when I found out I got a B+ in choir, and because of that, I don't think it will even be possible for me to get into Princeton, Stanford, or MIT. I'm afraid for my life because everything I thought I wanted to do I don't want to do any more. Everything I thought I could count on, I can't count on any more. I'm scared to death of my future, and I don't want to go on with it.

I never thought that I would be afraid, because I've never feared the unknown. Everyone is always talking about how they're so afraid of "leaving behind everything they've ever known," but that never bothered me. I love learning new concepts, I love figuring out the unknown, but what I never realized was that there's something you leave behind nobody ever mentions.

And that's what I love.

My friends, my family, my teachers, my classmates, my home. I love them. I don't hold some ridiculous fear for some imaginary power that will crush me in the future; I just don't want to let go of what I love, because that's all here, in Leslie, Michigan, my least favourite place in the world.

Everything is here.

But everything is changing. Everything has to change. Suddenly, I'm feeling myself change. My drive, what I once held as my indomitable will, is slipping away like sand as I try to hold onto it while chasing after my love.

My views, my perspectives on life: they're all going askew. I can hardly define them any more.

I don't even think I want to be an engineer any more. I want to be an actor or an author or a musician.

But that's never going to happen.

I want to pursue my dreams, but I'll never reach them, because I'm not good enough. I'm good, but I'm not good enough.

That's how it always is in the world. And I hate it

I hate it. I hate what's happening to me. I hate the world we live in. I hate this town. I hate this time. I hate this road I walk down.

Because I'm lost: I don't know where I'm going.

And I'm confused: I don't know who I am.

And I'm alone: I don't know who will be there tomorrow.

And I'm afraid.

So afraid.

Kind of Goals

New Years Day is coming, a day of partying and resolutions that are forgotten within the first few weeks of the year.  I've never liked New Years Resolutions for that exact reason.  Nobody keeps their promises beyond the first few weeks because it's near impossible to remember something that long.

This is why I've decided to make some pre-New Years Goals:  Goals to be completed before New Years Day arrives, or at least that's the plan.

I have this theory about goals.  Goals are incredibly hard to achieve by nature, because once a person establishes a goal, reaching that goal becomes a chore, and except for those few exceptionally motivated people in the world, no one wants to complete something they have to do.  So this is why, instead of goals, I'm establishing some Kind of Goals for myself.  With Kind of Goals, a person doesn't have to complete them, they just have to work toward completing them, and they will have succeeded in their Kind of Goals.

This Years Kind of Goals (to be completed before December 31st, 11:59 p.m.):

• Get everything that I need to do done by my dentist appointment (sometime Dec 28).  That means a lot of writing in the next couple days.
  
• Cut my showers down to 15 minutes each.  At least.
• Exercise every day.  Every day.
  
• Drink at least 47 oz. of water a day.  Water is good.
  
• Update my blog at least one more time before the end of the year.
• Start taking my medications regularly.  The doctor prescribed them for a reason.
• Establish an actual sleeping schedule.  This is, of course, to be completed after the first goal I stated, because I'm going to be doing a lot of work.
• As soon as I wake up, get out of bed.  I don't care if I have to throw myself off the side of my bed (onto another bed on the floor, of course.  I don't want to kill myself), I want to be out.
• Decide whether to move my computer to my room or not.
• Clean my room.
• Clean my bathroom.
• Clean my stuff around the kitchen.
• Write that list of 500 things about myself.
• Shorten my "in between" times.  And by that I mean the times in between activities;  for example, when I'm playing a game and I say, "Hey!  I should do some homework!"  I actually do my homework, instead of putting it off for three and a quarter hours, and hating myself the entire time.
• Make at least five people smile a day.
  
• Never lie to anyone again ever.

All of these, I shall work on.  If I don't complete them, then at least I tried, but if I do, I have accomplished something.

Oh, and as for my personal life, I met this girl.  Her name is Kayla Martin.  Well, I guess I already knew her, but I think something good might just come from it.  I'll keep you posted.

One of Those Days

Have you ever had one of those days... where at the end you just feel like the world could just end right there and you would be perfectly fine with it because everything is perfect? Everything in life is working out and everything is turning out perfect. Love is there in every friend and every family member. That girl you've been flirting with gave that smile that told you I... I think I love you, and you sent one right back. You didn't have any homework, and you didn't feel like staying up just because you're afraid of what might happen when you fall asleep. You feel safe, content, and happy. You casually toss around the idea of killing yourself right then and there because it's so perfect and today would be the perfect day to die, but you would never do that because you never want today to end. Ever have one of those days?

Today was not one of those days. I went to sleep last night at 5:30 p.m. hoping to be rested and happy today, but after a restless night where I spent brief periods in a daze some might classify as sleep between hours of lying, staring blankly at my ceiling, I woke up at 9:20 a.m. to my ex-girlfriend (bless her soul) calling me telling me I needed to get to school because I was an hour and five minutes late to my choir exam and if I miss it I'll fail the entire class because somehow, despite how sickly restless my sleep was, I still managed to sleep through my alarm for a full half hour.

So I run into school. I didn't shower. I didn't use my acne medicine. I didn't eat. I didn't brush my teeth. I grabbed pants, t-shirt, keys, wallet, shoes, and ran out the door. I get to school, Sco is mad but doesn't show it, I completely bomb my exam because I'm still rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

I walk into calculus to do the same work we've been doing for the past two weeks, and I don't have my backpack or book or paper or pencils, so I can't do anything else.

I get the second biggest headache I've had in my life (the worst was yesterday), and I can't work on the cemetery drawing I'm getting paid for because of it.

I get home to find out I have two A-'s in different classes I wasn't even worried about.

I haven't had an appetite in two days. I didn't eat for over 36 hours, and I didn't notice. I can't sleep any more. I almost had a panic attack driving to Chelsea today.

I'm starting to fear for my health and sanity. I don't think I'm going to be able to hold up my different acts for much longer.

My plans for the future have been shattered and I'm more confused than I ever have been about my life and what I want to do and what I'm going to be.

Yesterday, for the eighth time in a row within six months, I found out the girl I had fallen for has a boyfriend.

Have you ever had one of those days... where at the end you look back and wonder why you even go through it any more? Where you wonder if the constant misery you live in is even worth the people you stay alive for? You look in the mirror at the end of the day like you do every day and ask yourself, "Where did that smile go? I haven't seen it in so long." And then you realize you haven't actually been happy in three years and you don't want to keep living if you don't find something, anything, that would make you a little happier, but no matter how hard you look, no matter how much you wish, no matter how you hope, every single opportunity is smashed back in your face so hard your nose and mouth and eyes are bleeding and you can't see, you can't speak, so you just lie back down in the hole you've dug inside your soul that's the only place you feel safe because you're away from everybody and everything and no one can hurt you there until you feel like you have just enough strength to pull yourself out again, but immediately upon exiting, some sick God slams his foot back into your face and stomps on your hands as you try to pull yourself up, putting you through the same torture yet again. And you have no idea why you keep pulling yourself up because you know that every time you open your eyes, someone's going to be there, and they're going to hurt you more than ever before, and it's never worth it. Nothing is ever worth it.

Ever have one of those days?

Today was one of those days.

And so was yesterday.
And the day before yesterday.
And so was three days ago.
And so was four days ago.
And so was five days ago.
And so was six days ago.
And so was a week ago.
And so was two weeks ago.
And so was three weeks ago.
And so was four weeks ago.
And so was a month ago.
And every month before that.

And I don't know what I'm going to do if tomorrow is another one of those days.