One of Those Days

Have you ever had one of those days... where at the end you just feel like the world could just end right there and you would be perfectly fine with it because everything is perfect? Everything in life is working out and everything is turning out perfect. Love is there in every friend and every family member. That girl you've been flirting with gave that smile that told you I... I think I love you, and you sent one right back. You didn't have any homework, and you didn't feel like staying up just because you're afraid of what might happen when you fall asleep. You feel safe, content, and happy. You casually toss around the idea of killing yourself right then and there because it's so perfect and today would be the perfect day to die, but you would never do that because you never want today to end. Ever have one of those days?

Today was not one of those days. I went to sleep last night at 5:30 p.m. hoping to be rested and happy today, but after a restless night where I spent brief periods in a daze some might classify as sleep between hours of lying, staring blankly at my ceiling, I woke up at 9:20 a.m. to my ex-girlfriend (bless her soul) calling me telling me I needed to get to school because I was an hour and five minutes late to my choir exam and if I miss it I'll fail the entire class because somehow, despite how sickly restless my sleep was, I still managed to sleep through my alarm for a full half hour.

So I run into school. I didn't shower. I didn't use my acne medicine. I didn't eat. I didn't brush my teeth. I grabbed pants, t-shirt, keys, wallet, shoes, and ran out the door. I get to school, Sco is mad but doesn't show it, I completely bomb my exam because I'm still rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

I walk into calculus to do the same work we've been doing for the past two weeks, and I don't have my backpack or book or paper or pencils, so I can't do anything else.

I get the second biggest headache I've had in my life (the worst was yesterday), and I can't work on the cemetery drawing I'm getting paid for because of it.

I get home to find out I have two A-'s in different classes I wasn't even worried about.

I haven't had an appetite in two days. I didn't eat for over 36 hours, and I didn't notice. I can't sleep any more. I almost had a panic attack driving to Chelsea today.

I'm starting to fear for my health and sanity. I don't think I'm going to be able to hold up my different acts for much longer.

My plans for the future have been shattered and I'm more confused than I ever have been about my life and what I want to do and what I'm going to be.

Yesterday, for the eighth time in a row within six months, I found out the girl I had fallen for has a boyfriend.

Have you ever had one of those days... where at the end you look back and wonder why you even go through it any more? Where you wonder if the constant misery you live in is even worth the people you stay alive for? You look in the mirror at the end of the day like you do every day and ask yourself, "Where did that smile go? I haven't seen it in so long." And then you realize you haven't actually been happy in three years and you don't want to keep living if you don't find something, anything, that would make you a little happier, but no matter how hard you look, no matter how much you wish, no matter how you hope, every single opportunity is smashed back in your face so hard your nose and mouth and eyes are bleeding and you can't see, you can't speak, so you just lie back down in the hole you've dug inside your soul that's the only place you feel safe because you're away from everybody and everything and no one can hurt you there until you feel like you have just enough strength to pull yourself out again, but immediately upon exiting, some sick God slams his foot back into your face and stomps on your hands as you try to pull yourself up, putting you through the same torture yet again. And you have no idea why you keep pulling yourself up because you know that every time you open your eyes, someone's going to be there, and they're going to hurt you more than ever before, and it's never worth it. Nothing is ever worth it.

Ever have one of those days?

Today was one of those days.

And so was yesterday.
And the day before yesterday.
And so was three days ago.
And so was four days ago.
And so was five days ago.
And so was six days ago.
And so was a week ago.
And so was two weeks ago.
And so was three weeks ago.
And so was four weeks ago.
And so was a month ago.
And every month before that.

And I don't know what I'm going to do if tomorrow is another one of those days.