This Is Fear.

Imagine a 200,000 pound press. In case you don't know what that is, imagine a giant robot that can exert 200,000 pounds of force with little difficulty. Now imagine that robot bringing down a brushed steel hammer two feet in diameter down on your heart.

That's pretty close to how I'm feeling right about now.

Why?

Because I realized today exactly how much shit I have to get done within the year, and I don't think I can make it.

On top of that, one of my greatest dreams was shattered when I found out I got a B+ in choir, and because of that, I don't think it will even be possible for me to get into Princeton, Stanford, or MIT. I'm afraid for my life because everything I thought I wanted to do I don't want to do any more. Everything I thought I could count on, I can't count on any more. I'm scared to death of my future, and I don't want to go on with it.

I never thought that I would be afraid, because I've never feared the unknown. Everyone is always talking about how they're so afraid of "leaving behind everything they've ever known," but that never bothered me. I love learning new concepts, I love figuring out the unknown, but what I never realized was that there's something you leave behind nobody ever mentions.

And that's what I love.

My friends, my family, my teachers, my classmates, my home. I love them. I don't hold some ridiculous fear for some imaginary power that will crush me in the future; I just don't want to let go of what I love, because that's all here, in Leslie, Michigan, my least favourite place in the world.

Everything is here.

But everything is changing. Everything has to change. Suddenly, I'm feeling myself change. My drive, what I once held as my indomitable will, is slipping away like sand as I try to hold onto it while chasing after my love.

My views, my perspectives on life: they're all going askew. I can hardly define them any more.

I don't even think I want to be an engineer any more. I want to be an actor or an author or a musician.

But that's never going to happen.

I want to pursue my dreams, but I'll never reach them, because I'm not good enough. I'm good, but I'm not good enough.

That's how it always is in the world. And I hate it

I hate it. I hate what's happening to me. I hate the world we live in. I hate this town. I hate this time. I hate this road I walk down.

Because I'm lost: I don't know where I'm going.

And I'm confused: I don't know who I am.

And I'm alone: I don't know who will be there tomorrow.

And I'm afraid.

So afraid.